Tips for Approaching Difficult Conversations

Whether with family or with a significant other, we’ve all had the experience of a small issue morphing into something that’s seemingly unsolvable, toxic, and messy. In both my personal and professional experience, this phenomenon is entirely too common.

For example, you and your friend/family member/partner argue or disagree about an issue, and that issue remains unsolved. Repeated unsuccessful attempts to solve the issue feed the problem, and make it grow into something that seems unfixable. After failing over and over again to solve the issue, ignoring the problem feels like the only solution. While that might be easiest in the short-term, longstanding unresolved issues can drive wedges into relationships, and if left untouched, can have damaging long-term effects.

So, how can you initiate dialogue around an issue that’s been present for ages? While daunting, there are communication techniques that might turn those unsuccessful attempts at solution into constructive dialogue. For instance:

Soft Start-up: Renowned couples therapist and researcher John Gottman suggests approaching a difficult conversation with a soft start-up. For starters, this means starting a difficult conversation when you’re in a calm and relaxed state. Further, it’s helpful to state what’s bothering you from your own perspective. For example, stating, “It’s hard for me to come home to a messy house,” is much easier to hear than the statement, “I hate how you’re so messy and how you never clean.” Additionally, it can be helpful to begin the conversation ready to own your role in the problem. Admitting some responsibility is a wonderfully effective way to deescalate a tense conversation.

Don’t expect to solve it all at once: If an issue has been present for a long period of time, it’s unlikely that it will be resolved in a single sitting. Recognize when emotions are too high for constructive communication, and put a pause on the dialogue. It is ok to tackle a big issue in bits and pieces. Knowing when you’ve had enough for the time being is crucial. If you ignore those old tense feelings and plow forward with the same argument/conversation, the end result won’t change. Be mindful of the tone of your voice. If you notice yourself getting harsh and loud, it might be time for a break.

Avoid generalizations: Statements like “you always” or “you never” are polarizing and unhelpful. Be specific about the change you’d like to see. For instance, saying “it would mean a lot to me if you cleaned the kitchen” is likely to be more effective than “you never do anything around the house.”

Set your ego aside: The short term satisfaction of being right, or winning in argument, pales in comparison to the long-term distress of an unresolved issue. Go into the conversation prepared to take ownership over what you could have done better. If you don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, then it’s probably not the right time to begin that conversation.