Relationship Patterns

Family Systems trained therapists can sometimes be overhead saying, “problems occur in patterns.” However, that statement is often left at just that, without further explanation of the “what” or the “why.” Consequently, I will attempt to break down just exactly what therapists mean, when they discuss relationship patterns.

Instead of just looking at cause and effect of problems, family systems therapists prefer to consider the contexts of how problems occur. In the case of patterns, the context often takes us to a circular process that helps to keep certain patterns in place. In other words, instead of thinking in liner terms (A caused B), family systems therapists are interested in how B’s reaction to A influences A’s next move. By viewing patterns as a circular (not linear) process, we are looking at issues with a wider lens.

Ok, enough of the academic jargon. Let’s try to frame this in a real-life example:

Let’s take a look at a fictional couple, Jack and Jill. Jill’s family lives across the country, and she enjoys talking to them on the phone in order to stay in touch. Jack and Jill are both very busy, however, and don’t have much free time to spend together. Because of this, Jack often finds himself annoyed with Jill when she’s on one of her long phone calls with family. Unfortunately, Jack doesn’t try too hard to hide his displeasure with these phone calls, and becomes visibly grouchy, gives Jill disapproving looks, or isolates himself when Jill is on the phone. Naturally, Jill feels guilty when Jack is so visibly upset, and usually ends her conversations earlier than she’d like to because she feels so guilty. Of course, the end result is Jill isn’t able to have lengthy, fulfilling phone calls with her family, and thus feels a need to call home more frequently. What happens when Jill has to call home the next day, because she could only talk for ten minutes the day before? You guessed it—the same thing.

In academic, jargon-y terms, Jill calls her parents (event A), Jack becomes visibly upset (event B), Jill ends her conversation early (event A’s reaction to event B), which results in an increase in the phone calls home (event A).

A family systems therapist would look to identify this circular process with Jack and Jill, with the ultimate goal of changing the interactions around this pattern, so as to develop a newer, healthier pattern around the phone calls home. Hopefully now you’ll understand what your therapist says when they talk about problems occurring in patterns, and perhaps you can use this knowledge to help benefit your own personal relationships!