How to Talk to Your Son About Porn

Talking about porn can be awkward for both kids, and parents alike. However with early intervention, these conversations can be normalized, and parents can work through their discomfort to positively influence their child’s relationship with porn, and sexuality.

So what can parents do? Don’t wait until you know your child is accessing porn to have a conversation with them. A 2010 Harvard study found that 40% of teens are already having sex by the time their parents have the “sex talk”. Rather than be reactive, it’s incumbent on parents to proactively address issues of sex and pornography, especially in today’s world where access to porn is easier than ever. If you have an adolescent boy with access to the internet, it’s likely that boy has been exposed to pornography. As such, early intervention is key!

Here are some tips for talking with your child about porn:

• Manage your own discomfort with the subject. You get to set the tone for any conversation you have with your child. If your child can sense your discomfort, he’ll be uncomfortable too. 
• Commit to having a dialogue (not lecturing), and avoid an abstinence-only approach. If adolescents are committed to accessing porn, they’ll find a way to make it happen. You’re better off arming them with information, than trying to shield them permanently (*with younger children, it’s certainly appropriate to restrict their internet use to keep them from visiting pornographic sites, but the older your child gets, the harder this will be). Ultimately, we want to arm young people with information that will allow them to make positive choices.
• Teach your kids that porn presents unrealistic expectations about sex, and bodies. Help them understand that most men and women do not look like the men and women in porn. Make sure your child knows that the sex depicted in porn is between paid actors, and not real romantic partners.
• With adolescents, use this as a jumping off point for discussing consent, and explaining what a sexually consenting relationship looks like. Be able to give them examples of healthy, and unhealthy, portrayals of sex. 
• Explain porn’s impact on the brain. Some evidence suggests that internet-pornography has unique effects on the brain’s motivational system, and that its limitless novelty could be contributing to a recent rise in sexual dysfunction in men under 40.

Intervening early to develop an open dialogue with your child about porn (and sex) can help them make informed decisions about the content they consume, and will lay the groundwork for future conversations about sex. Having proactive dialogue about porn may not be the easiest thing to do, but your child needs your guidance in navigating the complexities of porn and sex in the digital age.