Parenting Adolescents: The Importance of Connection

Parenting a child is filled with various challenges, many of which are amplified during adolescence, a phase filled with hallmark changes. For instance, as the adolescent brain changes, adolescents become more susceptible to peer influence, and are more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors. What is more, the onset of puberty brings on immense physical changes. This can be a challenge for parents, for their adolescent may look and act differently than they did as a younger child. While this time can be overwhelming for parents, it can also be an exciting time. Your child is growing into an adult, and is developing cognitive, emotional, and physical maturity. That is something to be celebrated!

Understandably, parents don’t always know how to respond to their maturing, changing adolescent. In my work with parents and adolescents, I often observe parents making comments such as: “he doesn’t want anything to do with us anymore. It’s like he doesn’t need us.” Or: “she doesn’t need us like she used to. We just need to give her space.”

It is true that adolescents are developing into autonomous adults. It is also true that adolescents may exhibit behavior suggesting their parents are a burden. Despite these messages, research tells us that adolescents need more time and connection with their parents, not less. Adolescence is a confusing time, and parental guidance, connection, and support is key in ensuring positive outcomes for adolescents. This is a challenge, particularly when parents’ self-efficacy is low, the parent/adolescent relationship is strained, and when parents don’t have a roadmap for dealing with the developmental phase of adolescence. Additionally, this can be confusing for parents whose adolescent seems to want them around less, not more.

How can therapy be helpful? Even a few family therapy sessions can help build empathy within the family, so that parents can understand the changes their adolescent is experiencing, and adolescents can understand challenges their parents might be coming up against. This can also be a time for families to collaborate around methods of problem solving, and for adolescents to utilize an unbiased third party (therapist) who can help them find their voice in the family’s solution-building process. Finally, some normalization can help parents understand their adolescent’s behavior within the context of his/her development.